Come Alive.

What can I say about last night´s match? Well, the last time I was this happy about one point was back in October. It´s one point, could have lost all three. Actully, it was so close Arsenal didn´t lose them all. If we didn´t have this super-fit flamin´ Van Persie, Gunners would be screwed. Big time. I´m not saying they are awesome now, because they really are not. Last night was awful (I hate weekday matches). Diaby and Song in the midfield?! Seriously, Wenger must have lost his mind. Diaby shouldn´t be in the opening XI and Song isn´t much better. Why do we have Ramsey, Vela, Wilshire if they never get to play. I don´t know how a midfield of Ramsey-Denilson-Nasri-Vela would work (mostly because I haven´t paid attention to wether Ramsey is rightie or leftie...), but Nasri needs to be in the middle when we don´t have Cesc and Denilson is no winger. Far from it. I cannot believe I´m not concerned about the defence so much anymore, it works if they all have a good day, if not... Well, in that case Tim Cahill gets to score his 100th goal. Bendtner as a supersub is ok, but Ade needs to work on something, his attitude maybe. Hello, you are supposed to be a striker! Van Persie gets all the credit he deserves, once again he was the best man of the team on the pitch and did what he was supposed to. I´m just worried that when it´s his turn to rest (because he needs to, eventually) or he gets injured again... Not good. 1-1 is a fair result and it´s a point. Could have been better though. West Ham on Saturday.

Also, I watched the rerun on Wigan-Liverpool today (yes, I do that, I´m lame) and I got to say, Mido´s penalty was clever. That´s all.

I haven´t done anything, so I have nothing else to write about. More later. Take care!

Listening to: MGMT - Kids

It Takes A Fool To Remain Sane.

I shouldn´t watch In Treatment. It made me feel strange. Maybe it has something to do with a conco I had with Mum earlier the day. How they had a pshychologist visiting their workplace and how she had a colourful history with different jobs and Mum was wondering if all shrinks are a bit weird themselves. And all I could think was how much it sounded like me. I know I have joked about studying psychology and I don´t know, maybe I will someday. Just think I should get my head sorted before that. And yeah, Mum went on and on about how maybe my folks are so used to regularity and stability that they don´t get how someone can work short jobs and not know what they want to do "when they grow up". Funny thing is they always said to me I´m so young that I have time to think about what I want to do and that I´ll probably change my field after I have graduated (whenever that will be...). It´s just... They haven´t said that in a while and in a way it´s freaking me out. So now I should know what I want? Because, I´m still not sure if I do. I did apply and am going to apply some more and there seems to be some kind of track in my life right now, I can sleep and it doesn´t take hours to fall asleep (maybe just an hour) and I can get up pretty early but there is still something that makes me freak out every once in a while and keep my mouth shut. I am good at analyzing others, but myself... Perhaps I wasn´t in the right mood to watch In Treatment.

I am not going to analyze my Mum, I just checked my calendar and the date of our departure to Budapest. And well, it´s pretty much a year after my Grandpa passed away, five or six days later. I don´t know if she just randomly picked it, it could be possible, but then again.

And I finally have a time for the driving phase two or whatever the fucking thing is called. in April. A bit full. And then the woman also said she has no idea when we are going to leave so I need to reserve the entire day for it and call, say, late March to check with the time. Yeah, what, I`m just going to call from Hungary and get a huge bill? Don´t think so. Probably do it before we leave. I still cannot believe we are going. It´s not the going, it´s the five days abroad with my Mum and not with someone who totally gets all the odds things. I really hope everything goes well.

Football, football... Well, Sunday´s FA Cup match was boring and like I said, I was mostly annoyed by the score. I mean, Gunners could do without a rematch, but noooo... I don´t know why, but I was really nervous during the entire match (just slightly less nervous than during the Spurs match in fall and that´s a lot) and kept thinking that we can´t be out, not yet. Well, we are not, just have so prove that Arsenal can actully score. Positive about the match, um, for the first time in I don´t know how long I wasn´t actually concerned about the defense. *shock* I mean, Sagan is always great and Gibbs. I was like, wait, why haven´t I seen you more, because obviously you can do this damn well. Definitely want to see Gibbs more. Midfield... Oh dear, I seriously missed Denilson and you guys surely know I´m not always his biggest fan. I don´t know what was with all of them, maybe it was Cardiff. Ade once again missed the goal of his life and Bendtner works so much better as a sub. And I kept wondering where Vela was since he isn´t injured and shouldn´t be out for any reason. More than just three minutes of Wilshere would be nice too, you know how good he is. Hopefully they beat the Welsh at Emirates. Today they play Everton and I can´t accept anything else than a win since Aston Villa beat Pompey yesterday. (Have I told how much I hate Aston Villa? A lot at this point.) Everton has to do without their free kick specialist Arteta who according to Physioroom has a rib injury, but I´m not still all that assured. We´ll see how it goes and judge after that.

Also, Rosicky is back in training and Wenger is being a huge optimist once again saying he could be back in two months. I can´t say I´d love that more than anything, because Cesc back would be even more awesome, but hell, I have missed Rosicky so much and if he now really is making a comeback then that makes me smile big time.

Oh, also, someone hit me hard. Don´t ask why, just hit me. I would do it myself, but it doesn´t work.

More probably tomorrow, if my boys can make me happy tonight. Until that, take care.

Listening to: Auf Der Maur - Taste You

Gravity.

Shouldn´t be posting anything, but here I am. I have complained about Sevilla´s performance yesterday, so I´m just going to not do it here. Instead, I have a few words about Arsenal Reserves. Fine, they had a draw with Stoke Reserves last night, but there are some thing that make it more. First. Eduardo played 90 minutes, which is great and just a couple more matches under his belt and he could make it back to the first team. That then would be one of the best things this season. Besides, the little I could see from the video I´m going to post for another reason shows he is fine, better than fine. Like a new signing, hmm.

The reason I am actually posting a video of Arsenal Reserves match is Jack Wilshere. It might only be a reserves match, but keep in mind the boy just turned 17 and after that be stunned by the goal he scores. I have watched it like ten times already and can´t get past the fact that it must be one of the greatest goals I have seen in a while. One day, this young man will be the absolute star of the Arsenal first team and wear the #10 jersey (unless he prefers some other number himself). There are times when being an Arsenal fan doesn´t feel so miserable :D. Though, this is the first and last time I want Man United to win anything, but I´ll hand the Carling Cup to them in a heartbeat. I can´t take it if Spurs win it and it looks like Gunners get nothing. So, Man Utd, make me happy.

The Academy Awards nominees were announced today and no big surprises there. Heath Ledger is nominated and yeah, he did a fantastic job but still... Would he be on the list if he were still alive? Just asking... I haven´t seen any of the movies that are nominated, but Milk and Curious Case of Benjamin Button are the one´s that I´d like to see. As for best actor, well, I have always liked Sean Penn, so I might call him my favourite. Can´t say anything about actress, but I like seeing Anne Hathaway on the nominees list.

Once again, went through some old papers today and it´s fun to find old tests and other papers. Oh dear, are my German papers full of red or something. I can read the language, listen to it, speak it myself, but when it comes to writing I just fail. I can´t get the forms right. But then again, isn´t the speaking part always the most important? Old history notes were fun. I remember that stuff. And one of the exams, I have apparently written a perfect answer to a question about the times from Gustaf Vasa to Gustaf III (or whatever their names are in English, I just know the Finnish ones). I remember the teacher made us write these long notes about them and I memorised them all for the exam and goped he´d ask something about it, because it was the most boring course ever. And he did. Also, there are two topics I won´t be wanting to write about in a while. The Korean War and Karl Marx. I have studied those two so much I could remember most it of even when sleeping.

Should have cleaned up a bit today with my folks, but I think I am going to do it next week. And now this sounds really bad, me saying I´ll do everything next week... But I can´t do it tomorrow, I´m going to the cinema for god´s sake and I know from experience it will take the entire day :D. Nothing bad about it. And I am going to do some applications during the weekend, I just need to count myself how much work experience I have. So I guess that´s what I´ll spend part of my Saturday. On Sunday I´m too busy with all the matches. Oh gosh, could this sound anymore lame... Going to read that book I have been reading for a week now, I hope I actually get through it. It´s a novel after all, and not even very complicated to get.

More will come during the weekend or at the start of next week, depending once again how the matches go and how I feel about them. Until that, take care!

Listening to: Incubus - Drive

Flowers And Football Tops.

Gosh, what a match yesterday. More about in a bit, right now I´m way too interested in a discussion on AA about renaming the Emirates stands. Of course they should be renamed, they are dead boring right now. These people just have way too many good ideas for the names. Highbury, Woolwich, Clock End bringing the old times back, and then there are managers and players too. Personally, I would not name anything after Thierry Henry, even if he was the greatest Gunner of all time according to the poll on the website, but Dennis Bergkamp needs to be there. I love the idea of naming the orange part after him. Like I love the idea that he might be back at club someday... And naming something after Wenger when he still is there would be kind of tacky, but then again, he absolutely needs a stand. Tricky. I really hope the renaming is possible even if I never get to the stadium. And now that I keep reading this then fuck, Pat Rice needs to get a part named after himself too. Not that this will happen, because apparently the stadium is a FIFA neutral stadium and therefore there can´t be official names to the stands and all, but it could be unofficial, right?

Now, about the match. Ugh. I really hated the first 70 minutes of it. Fine, we had the lead when going to half time, but then Hull came and netted the equaliser and at that point I really considered switching it to the previous channel to watch some utterly boring Serie A match, because gosh, had we lost that... Thank god we didn´t. The defense was so lost when Cousin got through. Not the first time and I think it must be said that it won´t be the last time either. Um, Diaby and Denilson were having a rubbish day and I seriously spent the first 10 minutes thinking who was missing from the usual bench gang as there was Merida this weekend. (It was Wilshere, and I assume it was because he played FA Youth Cup match this week. Which Arsenal won 3-1.) Adebayor always looks like he´s the laziest guy on the pitch, but when the time comes, he does what he has to. The header was great. I can repeat myself and say Nasri and Van Persie are starting to work like an absolute dream together. Robin´s cross to Samir´s goal yesterday... Oh, more of that please. And really, Robin is really stepping up this season. He has been finally showing the brilliance he has. Absolutely one of the best players of the team at the moment. Apparently I should have given up on liking Nick Bendtner a bit more earlier, because now he come soff the bench and scores. Second time in a row. Maybe he will be good after all. They need to keep it up like this and we just have to hope Aston Villa finally loses at some point. FA Cup again next week, should be interesting. Oh, we get the match live on TV. Even better.

Mom just decided this morning that we are going to make a trip abroad. Who am I to say no when she pays? I just have to wait until March.

Oh and the little narcisist in me insisted on having a new profile photo, so I have. Mainly to show off my shorter haircut. Got to keep the pic updated so you know who is behind all of this :P

More to come at some point. Take care!

Listening to: Jeff Buckley - Eternal Life

The Mark Has Been Made.

Went to the Travel Expo ´09 today. A really, really bad idea... Asking if I fell in love with any place today is useless, better would be asking me if there is a place I didn´t fall in love today. Well, there is one or two of those. I´ve never been tempted by Greece in any way and my Mum is pissed because she wants to see some Greek island and no one really wants to do that with her :D. And Madeira or the other Portuguese islands have never been interesting. I´m not a island person apparently. But yeah, did I fall in love with ten countries or what. It´s just that I´ve been to so many countries I like or then the ones I want to see are so far away. Like I´d have the money to take off to Australia or Brazil. Wish I had. My folks want to travel to Germany and I am not that thrilled about it since I´ve seen Berlin and none of the other cities fascinate me enough to want to travel there. Fine, Munich might be nice. But. If I ever start to long after Germany I´m not well, remember that. Mum and I did find one place that might be worth a visit, Lithuania. We´ve seen Estonia and Latvia, so Lithuania is the only one of the Baltic states left. Now I kind of want to see, like this year or something. We´ll see. At least I have enough broschures to make a trip around the world at home.

The rest of this post will be shameless admiration of Nine Inch Nails. I have a phase again apparently. Listening to them. Oh, how wonderful it sounds, the older material especially. Not that I don´t find The Slip or Ghosts awesome, because they are really good, but right now the older stuff hits me. I listened to And All That Could Have Been last night and well, kept singing along. I still know all the lyrics by heart, I mean like all of the lyrics to the songs. Which is quite a lot. Head Like A Hole is probably the only song I can sing even if I don´t have any music. Well, national anthem too, but that doesn´t count. And HLAH is still one of Trent´s best songs. Everytime I hear it I remember the flat palms pointed to the stage during the chorus and all the manouverism that goes with it. Gosh, could they come to Finland this year? I don´t even know if they have a new keyboard player because the last time I checked, Cortini was leaving and they were dealing with it. (Yeah, a good fan I am...) And I remember sometimes thinking what has been going through Trent´s head when he has written all the lyrics, but right now I kind of can understand him. Which, I think isn´t the best thing in the world. The lyrics aren´t really all happy and flowers, you know what I mean. Hurt sounded amazing when I listened to it, haven´t really paid attention to it for a while and that is a huge mistake. There still isn´t any other song that would have made me cry in public, when the song is actually played in a concert. Fuck, I can´t even today understand why I reacted like that. It might have not been like that if the fireworks hadn´t been set off too early. (You have no idea what I´m talking about? Youtube Nine Inch Nails, Ankkarock, Hurt and fireworks and you prolly get your answer.) Listening to NIN before going to sleep was maybe the best idea I have had in a long time. The angrier Trent gets on the record, the more it soothes me. Which I guess isn´t the purpose of the album, but I didn´t have a punching bag to take my anger out...

And why did I start to listen to them again? All because of this book I started to read. Joe Hill´s The Heart-Shaped Box. One of the members on nin.com read it and told it mentions Trent and at that instant it basically became a mandatory reading for all NIN fans. Can´t say yet wether I like the book or not, haven´t read it enough, but the idea is fine. I think it will get more interesting. And it makes me think odd things, so it takes a while to read it.

Ah, you´ll probably get a new post tomorrow, depending on how well Arsenal plays (they better play damn well). Until that, take care!

Listenint to: Nine Inch Nails - The Wretched

Stress.

So, what have I been doing lately? Um, nothing really. Fine, Sunday was a really shite day. Probably because of the lack of sleep and spending too much time online. But when you combine exhaustion with sore neck and back and a killer headache it´s far from funny. The positive side though was that the following night I had the best sleep in weeks. Wouldn´t want to feel like that again though.

Monday, I have no idea what I did except what Sportsgala and thought it was ridiculous. Oh no, I did read. I´m slowly approaching the final pages of The Basque History of the World. Still a bit left, but it´s too good a book not to be finished. Yesterday I went to the library, just to get some albums and new music. And chatting and writing and all that basic stuff I do. And commenting TV shows while wacthing them.

Today I watched a movie. The Devil´s Backbone I think was the title in English. A film by Guillermo del Toro. I assume it is labeled as a horror movie and I usually don´t like those at all, but this one was fine. Maybe because it wasn´t American. Visually absolutely amazing, it was surprising to see warm colours, because I assumed it would have a lot of blue and grey and white, but no. Orange and yellow. I liked it. Can´t really say much about the actors since I knew two of them and most of them were kids anyway. Set during the Spanish Civil War in an orphanage where a boy sees a ghost. Thrilling story, I was thinking about Lord of the Flies at some point although it really has nothing to do with the story, but I think there was some similarity as it came to my mind. And I loved one of the characters as he kept saying poems to the "boss" of the orphanage. Seems like I have a thing for poems. At least it´s something new.

Have I been studying? Well, no. I did open the book I´m supposed to be reading and actully read a page, but it just is so fucking boring. And because it´s old I don´t know the philosophers or whatever researchers they are. I haven´t studied British society men of the 19th century. So it makes the reading even more harder. I have been thinking about my studies though. About applications. I could send the first ones already, but as I was reading about them I kind of found one new that interests me too and now I´m even more confused than I might have been earlier. And to put them in order... Everyone knows I´m not very good at that. I just have to keep reading about them and try to figure out which one sounds the best and send the applications and hope for the best after that.

Nothing interesting when it comes to football unless you care about some voting/budget scandal Real Madrid is going through, I don´t. No new exciting transfers, Man City is still after everyone, Kaka being their latest target. I don´t think he´ll leave Milan, but I´ve been wrong before. Andrei Arshavin and his transfer to somewhere from Russia is still open, I don´t know if Arsenal`ll get him or not. Most say they have the feeling he´ll end up in London, but I´m not thinking about it. Just thinking about that Arsenal are playing Hull this weekend... It better not be the same kind of disaster it was last time... Oh and I was pissed when I woke up this morning and checked the FA Cup matches and saw QPR lost. Thanks John, I haven´t cared about Championship teams before :P.

I´m going to go read a bit more about what I might want to study. Until next time, take care!

Listening to: Katie Melua - Ghost Town

Poses.

I do this every time. Every single time Wenger decides it´s a good idea to bring Nicklas Bendtner in around the 80th minute I curse him. I did just that today. And most of the times I do that, the Dane actually manages to show he can play football. Just like today. Netting the only goal and securing the important 3 points. I couldn´t believe it. Well, maybe Nicky isn´t a complete disaster most of the time. As for the game, boring boring boring Arsenal once again. Ade lost the goal of his life once again and RVP hit the motherfucking post. Once again. I don´t understand why Wenger stubbornly makes Vela and Ramsey sit on the bench. When Vela can in today and took the wing allowing Nasri to play in the center, the game flowed immediately better than it had until that substitution. And Ramsey fights for every ball, doesn´t give up the second the might not get it. I do have to admit that I was slightly afraid to see Denilson back on the pitch, but he wasn´t as bad as I feared. Actually, he is improving.

Also, I wasn´t going to watch any other football today, but then I read Teemu Pukki is once again travelling with Sevilla and I just have to watch Sevilla hopefully beat Deportivo. And I guess when I´m at it, I might as well watch if Valencia can keep their fit from last weekend and beat Villarreal. I just hope my laptop doens´t get all locked like it did last weekend in the middle of the Real Madrid-Villarreal match. Not nice at all.

I have some photos today. And they are all old :D. No, I was watching a documentary about Annie Leibovitz and she was, I don´t know, choosing pictures for her book I guess and then I decided to go through all the photos I´ve taken (which is almost 3000 during the last 2 and a half years) and pick up my favourites. And there are just a handful of pics I´m actually happy with. Okay, some of them are the kind of pictures that the quality can be absolutely horrible, but the feeling on the photo is amazing. But I´m not posting those. These are the ones I liked enough to post here:

Taken in Berlin on April 2007. I have "photoshopped" it slightly, I made it look antique because I think it suits this one. I love it how there are people but you can´t actually see them and how there is nothing on the front.


Also taken in Berlin on April 2007. I think I have one other photo of the Siegessäule, but I didn´t photo it much and even this one is from behind. I remeber it was closer to the evening when we went there and like the sky in this one very much. And I usually am a huge fan of details, but with this one, I love it how you really can´t see any other detail but the angel.


Taken on the graveyeard of this town, but I can´t date this one right now. Photoshopped too, i wanted it to look like the photo was really old. And I happen to think it quite works. I find the sky somehow metaphorical on this picture, but you can jugde it yourself.

This one here was taken in Tallinn December 2007. This is also my favourite picture of all the photos I have taken. It isn´t anyhow special and it doesn´t have a building or sight one should see when travelling in Tallinn, but once again it´s the people and maybe the composition. For a person who hates picturing people, I seem to like them quite lot on my pics. Hmm.


Simply the best concert photo I´ve managed to snatch. Just the band´s name and drums and keyboard visible and it´s awfully dark to be a great photo, but I think it gives something of the feeling of waiting. And the little colour it has is amazing, I think.

Funny how one of my favourite photos is from Italy, a country I didn´t like that much. This is from Florence, July 2008. A plaza where we sat and ate more than once. Funny thing is also, I can´t even tell why I like this so much. It has nothing special and you couldn´t even tell the city just by looking at it, but I like it.

More photos can be found on my Flickr´s, links to both of them are on the side panel. The travel version is a lot better organized and has better pictures, but I remember the "normal" one has some good shots too. Feel free to take a look and you know I would love to hear some feedback and maybe tips on how to take more interesting and better photos.

Until I finish, I have to share a couple of my favourite tracks right now. I just fell in love with Muse again. Thoughts of a dying atheist is the song that I´ve been listening to like a mad person. I can´t explain why I like it so much, maybe it has something to do with the music and not with the lyrics for once. Of course, Matt Bellamy is an awesome singer... And another. Light On by David Cook. Yes, the American Idol winner David Cook that I happened to like when watching the competition. The song is pure basic-American-radio-rock with listener friendly lyrics, but I like it more than I probably should. I still think Cook is an excellent singer and have been listening to this tune for a while. Also, I´m thinking of purchasing the new Kanye West album. I have none of his previous records, but Love lockdown is such a great song. What have you been into lately?

I´m off to get prepared for the Deportivo-Sevilla match. Can´t wait for Serie A tomorrow. I´m so watching Juventus-Siena anxioulsy waiting to see wether Buffon makes a full return and in the evening Roma clashes with AC Milan. Maybe a certain soccer star actually gets some time on the pitch. The other option for tomorrow night would be to watch Barcelona smash poor Osasuna. Until I have something interesting to write about. Take care!

// Aww, Sevilla, thank you for making my night awesome. 1-3 at Riazor. With 10 men. I call that magnicifent playing, you? Also, Jesus Navas was so great today. Is it wrong for me to want Valencia lose today? Because I quite like them, hmm. Also, could Real Madrid get back on the losing form, because that would keep the Andalucians second. But then again, tomorrow is Raúl´s 500th match at La Liga and it would be kind of cool to see him score. Damn, why can´t I just like one team and hate the rest of them?

Listening to: the news on TV

This Is My Head Exploding.

I really should stop listening to that song. Every Disco Ensemble song actually.

Apparently I´ve decided to throw away the elaborate facade I spent years building. Done it once, might as well do it again. Just here, never in "real life". My favourite ficwriter has an icon that says "I wrote down what I couldn´t say." I guess that´s what I´ll be doing.

I am the upper secondary school graduate that is having a sabbathical year, thinking about what I might want to do this year, exploring different options, trying to get new expreriences. I am the insecure, un-social girl that doesn´t know if she even has the faintest clue what she wants to do and is way too old to feel like this without any apparent reason.

I usually make it until it´s time to get to sleep. Or in my case, roll around in the bed for two hours and wait for the sleep to come. I don´t believe in pills, but it would be nice to have something that knocks me out when I feel like it instead of waiting and hoping it wouldn´t take hours tonight. Yesterday I didn´t even make it to that. YleX had a Disco Ensemble live and I was all excited to hear it. Would have been better off. I thought it might make me feel like I´d want to vent out my, well not anger, maybe frustration. It didn´t. Black Euro made me cry. It is a rather pointless song with a stupid chorus that I don´t even associate with anything special. And then there was Bad Luck Charm with the chorus and We Might Fall Apart. And then I was listening to my iPod later and This Is My Head Exploding started playing and all I could do was lay on the floor and wipe the tears away and listen. I started to hate it. The song, Miikka for being such a good bad textwriter, coming up with lyrics I don´t want to hear if I pay attention to them.

And when you cannot sleep, you start playing with not-so-nice thoughts. I kept thinking what it would be like to have a drink. Get up and go to the bar and have some of the liquid inside one of those numerous bottles in the there. What it would taste like, feel like, what it would be like after that. I don´t do it, I never do it. I have spend 19 years dedicating my life to sobriety, a thing that isn´t really a part of the Finnish society unless you´re an alcoholic and a thing that has always been one of those things that has made a bit more misfit. Not to mention the bogey called alcoholism that has terrorised my Dad´s side of the family. I don´t do it, because I think I wouldn´t be strong enough. Mentally, not physically.

I can´t even remember all the thoughts racing through my head, but I just remeber I had them all in English. I could never do this in Finnish, not at the blog I spam about non-important stuff that really doesn´t matter. Oh, I did think about the typical Finnish dream of having a house by the lake five minutes from city centre and a spouse and a boy and a girl and a family Volvo and a golden retriever, a nine to five job and a two-week holiday in Thailand when you aren´t spendding your time at the summer cottage. I don´t want that. A family yes, but not the rest. It bores me.

I did find something we did at the confirmation camp. I don´t know what to call it, I guess the book-like thing has a name. There was this paper where other people describe me. Happy. Smart. Thoughtful. Laughs a lot. Conscientious. Quiet. Matter-of-fact. Smiling. Nice. What kind of words are those describing a person?

How do people get over disappointements? What kind of coping skills there are? Because I seem to have lost all of mine. And god knows I could do with some.

***

And because I have to be pissed about two things, then I am. Why the fuck did Freddie Kanoute get booked for the Palestine t-shirt? I know there is a rule that you get booked if you take your shirt off on pitch (and for some weird reason I think this rule hasn´t been around for that long...), but he didn´t. He just expressed his opinion. That is against the rules now? Or it is againts the rules just because he is supporting the people in Gaza? Would he have gotten booked if he had had an Israel-supporting shirt? Why cannot people that are expected to give money to charity and support good causes and all that stuff not voice their political opinion? (And I´m not taking sides, I just wish Israel and Palestina would get some sort of peace before it´s too late.) It is okay to tell everyone on your shirt that you love God, but not tell you support innocent people? The rules should be clear on any personal statement, if politics isn´t allowed, then crossing yourself or "God this God that" statement shirts shouldn´t be either. I knew Kanoute would flash that shirt if he scored and I support him.

And my Dad. He is soon going to be laid off for weeks and they were thinking what to do with Mom. They were thinking of maybe getting a cabin from Lapland and going there and I was stupid enough to ask why no one has a cabin in the Alps or something like that. Mom of course had to ask if I´d go along with them. "As long as it´s out of the borders of Finland, then I can think about it." And then they go on about how nice Budapest or maybe Berlin would be. And since they were having some odd B-city discussion, I just had to ask why not Barcelona. "It´s a summer city. And besides, what´s with the Barcelona thing anyway?" Before I could answer Mom, Dad just had to say: "Football, of course, what else?" It was *this* close I didn´t scream at him. Never because of football. What do I have to do, get a t-shirt that says "I can like the style of their game, but I will never like FC Barcelona." And of course it was about Barca, I am willing to bet Dad has never heard of Espanyol. I would have answered the architechture, all the churches, how I´d love to see if Las Ramblas can be alive during the winter months, what the city looks like forom Montjuïc when it´s dark, how I´d love to explore all the different parts of the city. And I don´t even have a Barcelona-thing. If I could visit only one city in Spain it wouldn´t be the Catalan capital. It wouldn´t be any of the Basque cities either, but I´d just would like to know how he´d react when I say I really want to see Bilbao and San Sebastian before every single Finn has been to them. If I could visit just one city it would be the one that is somewhat impossible to reach from here, unless you fly to Madrid and sit hours in a bus or in a train. Or wait till spring when Finnair starts flying to Jerez, of all places. Little do my parents really know me.

Now, if you´ll excuse me, I´ll go read Wikipedia in languages that I have no knowledge of, because I want to prove something. Take care!

Listening to: Nine Inch Nails - Suck

Untitled.

This is what I wrote the other night. I tag this as a fic, but I can´t say it isn´t true. God, I wish it wasn´t true.

Isolation

She never opened her mouth, only if she was asked a question. Even then, she tried to avoid answering and if that wasn´t possible, she did it as quiet as she could. She didn´t want to make herself seen or heard, she didn´t want to be there.

She spend her time alone, even when she wasn´t there. She didn´t want to be with any of them and they never wanted to be her. She tried to socialize, every once in a while she really did. It never worked, she always did something wrong and they pushed her aside, turned against her.

She knew things and had opinions, but she always kept them all to herself. She knew the wrong things, the ones that were harmful when it came to loyalty. She was never rewarded for keeping her mouth shut, not if you don´t count the constant ignoring. She had opinions, strong ones, but they were all too different from those of the others, so she never voiced them. She didn´t want them to have more on her than they already had.

She was the kid who always got picked last, only because someone had to pick her to their team. None of them really wanted to have her, she didn´t know what to do or how to function in order to make them happy. And they never told her. She was the burden who under-achieved, didn´t even try in the end, because she knew she would eventually do something wrong. If it was possible, they just paired her with the other quiet, weird kid she hated. Hated, because he was so much like her.

The adults just thought she was too shy to participate. That she did best when she was allowed to mind her own business. To them she was this quiet, thoughtful, hard-working kid they would have liked everyone to be. A kid that did her best to be good at everything and tried to please all of them. Maybe a bit too hard. And because of that she wasn´t particularly popular.

She was all of that. A part of her still is. She might have left the hell a long time ago, but the scars never disappear. They might fade, but then something happens and she remembers them again. It might get better with time, but the scars are there, the memories of the hell will live forever.

Listening to: Justice - We Are Your Friends (Reprise) Live

Time To Pretend.

This will be somewhat bipolar post, but I kind of want to get the football stuff out of the way too. First of all. Arsenal, for fuck´s sake, a new deal with Walcott. We cannot afford losing him, and certainly not with a price tag of 400 000. Second. We are facing Cardiff at the FA Cup 4th round. Ramsey against his old team, how about that. Third. FA Cup 4th round also gives us Liverpool-Everton. I am with Toffees on this one, just because everyone loves the Reds. Fourth. Sevilla. How on Earth can you draw with the League jumbo Osasuna? Unbelievable, and not in a good way. Fifth. I miss Serie A.

***

And then. I had the worst night of my life last night. Or at least one of the worst. For starters, I didn´t go to bed until closer to 3 AM (before which I was in a conversation about the beautiful nature of football and somehow decided to support Boca Juniors...). And then I couldn´t sleep. I checked the clock at 4.20 and I seriously think it was something like 5 AM before I fell asleep. And before that... I am writing all the thoughts running through my head and they weren´t pretty. I just don´t know how many times during the last five months or so have I ended up crying myself to sleep, but this was one of the worst.

First of all. My Mum. Of course I love her and all that. I really wish she can keep her job until summer, because she´d like that and because if she doesn´t, I know I´ll flip. She has had this long Christmas/winter break and I am this close to jumping to the walls, just because she is home all the time. I need my four to five hours a day alone, or I´ll go insane. She also keeps bitching about things. Work, co-workers, which I´m not even remotely interested in. Lately, she has also picked a habit of badmouthing my sister-in-law. Nothing bad, but just pointing out little things she does not like about her. And I´m always the one that has to listen.

Dad. Oh. Not that I don´t love him too, but all the little things that irritate me. I won´t list them or I´ll sound like I can´t stand him, which isn´t true. It´s just that he needs me to do things I do not want to do and won´t agree on anything.

Friends. Or friends I used to have. "For a while they will work under the pretense of remaining friends. They will talk on instant messengers. When university starts they will email occasionally, because there isn't time for anything else. They will forget to tell each other the little things that make the day important, and they will forget to care about them, too. They will be reduced to short messages every few months. It will be "how are you" over and over again for the rest of the year, until nothing." (Taken from werepope´s fic Gitano.) This is what it is. One of my friends moved to north and I haven´t heard of her ever since. Not even a SMS, so I don´t have the faintest idea what she is doing or how she is. One of my friends moved to a city 20 minutes from here. I have had two very short instant messenger talks with her, in the style of how are you? - fine- you? - fine. One of my friends moved a another city over three years ago and that short paragraph tells you what happened. I see her maybe twice a year, but I don´t know what she does or what kind of life she lives. One of my friends still live here, but I can´t remember the last time I talked to her. I never have had many friends to begin with and when the few I have start becoming my ex-friends against my will...

And then this one friend that I am in contact more than I probably should sometimes. She is great, she really is. But then... I´m happy she knows what she wants to study, where to study, what to do in order to make that possible. I am flattered that she wants to share the information with me, but at the same time it hurts so much I can´t put it into words. I´m not the one comparing different areas where to live, not trying to learn how the public transport works or what courses would be nice to take. When she tells me these things, all ecxited about them, it just makes me feel like I am the huge loser I sometimes think I am. Not knowing what to do, what I want to be. I don´t say any of this to her because I don´t want to upset her, but I´d be better off without the information. It wouldn´t hurt so much.

I don´t know what I want to do. I should figure out a place where to study and actually get in. The aforementioned friend tries to encourage me, telling me what schools somewhere else have to offer and really, there is nothing I´d love more than to be actually able to apply to them. But I don´t have the money (and I know about the loans too, but explaining that to my parents...), I don´t have a single person writing me references (old school yes, but I don´t look back to it in that much awe) and if I even tried talking about it to my parents... I am still amazed I have been allowed to to roam concerts alone, because they wouldn´t let me travel to fucking Sweden alone. And I know, I´m a major and I can do whatever I want, but it would be nice to have someone support me. I do not want to burn all the bridges behind me. So I just settle with browsing the Finnish universities and other schools and being disappointed they don´t offer a single combination that would make me scream of joy and say that is what I want to study. I was reading HS this morning and there was a column about studies, about how a relative girl of the wirter doesn´t know what to do after high school and how she likes everything, but not enough to specialize. She described me. If I had been alone eating my breakfast I probably would have burst into tears.

I don´t know what to do. I guess there would be someone to help me with problems about studies, but who and where, I seriously don´t know. So I just keep it all to myself and out it when I cannot stand it anymore. Every morning I get up and put a smile on my face, eventhough I don´t know what´s the point of doing that. I feel like I´m trapped and can´t do anything about it. I think I haven´t been out since the night between 2008/2009, why would have I´ve been. I know my parents would love to help, but I know they don´t know how to do it right. So to them I just pretend I ´m fairly happy even if inside me there is the biggest mess I have ever faced.

I just do not know.

Listening to: INXS - Suicide Blonde

All I Need.

I apologize for the bad title, but I was too lazy to go through the entire track list of my iPod and just picked one of the firsts. And I´m listening to music, writing this entry, having a instant messenger convo and watching the Four Hills Tournament on TV at the same time. They are jumping in Innsbruck today. A nice city, not that I can say I have seen much of it. Went through it sitting on a bus, but I´ve seen the hill they are jumping. And I remember the landing at the airport was great, the Alps surrounding. Yeah, I like Austria. Probably seen more of the country than any other. Not counting Finland of course.

Football. FA Cup third round. Arsenal 3-1 Plymouth. I´m pissed they got the one goal, but Gunners once again forgot how to defend. And it wasn´t such a walk in the park it sounds like. They actually had to work for the win. But once again, Van Persie proved he is great when fit and Nasri seems to be getting better and better every game. And those two together. Something just seems to click, but yesterday they worked like a dream. Nasri playing on the centre of the midfield might have something to do with it. It´s a bit sad it took Cesc´s injury to make Wenger realise Nasri shouldn´t be on the wing. Vela, on the other hand, makes a pretty good winger. Ramsey and Wilshere will be stars, the little I could see from the awful stream I had told me that. I still want a new signing, defensive midfielder anyone?

One more funny thing about the match. Van Persie was our captain, because Cesc won´t be there for ages and Fabianski is our Cup keeper (Almunia, vice-captain on the bench). I just found it so great, the Dutchman leading them all, including Gallas. If it is true Gallas was aiming his critic against RVP, you get it why I find this somewhat awesome. On to the fourth round and against Bolton next weekend.

I have nothing new, though I did write something last night. I just haven´t gotten it on my laptop yet. Yes, I handwrite my stuff, I like it that way. I don´t know if I´ll post any of it, it went ended up being quite personal... We´ll see.

Oh my, I just love iTunes Store right now. They finally have more INXS here, which means I just got Suicide Blonde I´ve been looking for ages. Now, if I could get Elegantly Wasted too, I´d be more than delighted. But they don´t have it. I´ll settle with this. Who knows what other little goodies they have when you start looking for more... I don´t really money to buy everything I want. A job would be nice.

Nah, I really didn´t have anything special today, so i´m just going to leave it to this and go do something else. Until next time, take care!

Listening to: Damn Seagulls - Quality People

Golden Years.

Happy New Year 2009 everyone. I know, I´m a bit late. But I don´t think that is a reason not to wish all of you all the best for this year. I know I want this year to be magnificent, gosh, I want it so bad. I didn´t do any resolutions, I gave up on that about ten years ago. Though I did say I´m trying to read a book, well, three books to be accurate. And I´ll try to do that. It shouldn´t be that hard.

As promised, the infamous rings.



The quality of the pictures is horrible, but as I said, it´s really hard to picture your own hands and my camera does not function well indoors. It weird, but I can take stunning pictures with it outdoors, but when I try to get something decent indoors... Impossible. And just to point out one thing, both photos are of my left hand, but the ring on the picture on right is worn in right hand.

I like very different kinds of music, usually. I mean I have everything from ABBA to Ministry and from flamenco to Stam1na on my iPod. (I want to know how many had the "what, flamenco? You?" -question popping in their heads, because, apparently, it is somewhat surprising.) But now I have this band that I can´t stand. Paramore. I will scream if I have to hear Decode once more. It has nothing to do with the fact that it´s on Twilight. I just can´t stand it anymore. It´s like listening to this Finnish artist Jippu. She is so, well, I would say fake. I try to like all music, but sometimes it´s just so bad I can´t. And as it is new year, I´m all in for new (even old music that I haven´t listened to) music. Like, I´d want all my favourite bands to make the best albums ever and then find about five new bands to love. Suggestions are very much welcome :D.

I know I should do something about my studies. Think about what I´d want to study to begin with. I always think I know what I want but when I start to think about things more throroughly I am not so sure anymore. Facts: I love history, but studying about researching history is dead- boring. I want to write, but the books I need to read in order to take the entrance exam for journalism don´t make any sense. I know I can write well without the theory. I love photography, but I know I´m not skilled enough to make it my profession. Or then I´m going to need practice and someone telling me how I should take my photos. Travelling is my absolute passion, but I never want to become a guide. I´d rather work in a hotel or advertise places people should visit. Gosh, see why I don´t know what I want to do when I grow up?

I was thinking of doing a list of things I might want to do this year last night, but I ended up doing a list of places I want to visit. Apparently, I have develop a huge thing for South America. I was staring at the map and thinking I´d go to all the countries if I had the chance. Also, I still think I want to go to Czech Republic fot the fourth time, I want to see Karlovy Vary. Not to mention the one country where I probably could spend a year just visiting all the great places. I blame the Tottenham-Wigan match fot doing this. I should have never watched it. Damn Spurs for winning it. Also, damn Hull for scoring an own goal and giving Aston Villa three points.

I don´t know what to write about, so people, ask me questions or give me topics. I can write about my favourite food or car or about the global warming if you want to. I just don´t have a hot topic right now, but I want to write about something. See you some time soon, now I´m off to write an email. Take care!

Listening to: Modwheelmood - Problem Me