This Is My Head Exploding.

I really should stop listening to that song. Every Disco Ensemble song actually.

Apparently I´ve decided to throw away the elaborate facade I spent years building. Done it once, might as well do it again. Just here, never in "real life". My favourite ficwriter has an icon that says "I wrote down what I couldn´t say." I guess that´s what I´ll be doing.

I am the upper secondary school graduate that is having a sabbathical year, thinking about what I might want to do this year, exploring different options, trying to get new expreriences. I am the insecure, un-social girl that doesn´t know if she even has the faintest clue what she wants to do and is way too old to feel like this without any apparent reason.

I usually make it until it´s time to get to sleep. Or in my case, roll around in the bed for two hours and wait for the sleep to come. I don´t believe in pills, but it would be nice to have something that knocks me out when I feel like it instead of waiting and hoping it wouldn´t take hours tonight. Yesterday I didn´t even make it to that. YleX had a Disco Ensemble live and I was all excited to hear it. Would have been better off. I thought it might make me feel like I´d want to vent out my, well not anger, maybe frustration. It didn´t. Black Euro made me cry. It is a rather pointless song with a stupid chorus that I don´t even associate with anything special. And then there was Bad Luck Charm with the chorus and We Might Fall Apart. And then I was listening to my iPod later and This Is My Head Exploding started playing and all I could do was lay on the floor and wipe the tears away and listen. I started to hate it. The song, Miikka for being such a good bad textwriter, coming up with lyrics I don´t want to hear if I pay attention to them.

And when you cannot sleep, you start playing with not-so-nice thoughts. I kept thinking what it would be like to have a drink. Get up and go to the bar and have some of the liquid inside one of those numerous bottles in the there. What it would taste like, feel like, what it would be like after that. I don´t do it, I never do it. I have spend 19 years dedicating my life to sobriety, a thing that isn´t really a part of the Finnish society unless you´re an alcoholic and a thing that has always been one of those things that has made a bit more misfit. Not to mention the bogey called alcoholism that has terrorised my Dad´s side of the family. I don´t do it, because I think I wouldn´t be strong enough. Mentally, not physically.

I can´t even remember all the thoughts racing through my head, but I just remeber I had them all in English. I could never do this in Finnish, not at the blog I spam about non-important stuff that really doesn´t matter. Oh, I did think about the typical Finnish dream of having a house by the lake five minutes from city centre and a spouse and a boy and a girl and a family Volvo and a golden retriever, a nine to five job and a two-week holiday in Thailand when you aren´t spendding your time at the summer cottage. I don´t want that. A family yes, but not the rest. It bores me.

I did find something we did at the confirmation camp. I don´t know what to call it, I guess the book-like thing has a name. There was this paper where other people describe me. Happy. Smart. Thoughtful. Laughs a lot. Conscientious. Quiet. Matter-of-fact. Smiling. Nice. What kind of words are those describing a person?

How do people get over disappointements? What kind of coping skills there are? Because I seem to have lost all of mine. And god knows I could do with some.

***

And because I have to be pissed about two things, then I am. Why the fuck did Freddie Kanoute get booked for the Palestine t-shirt? I know there is a rule that you get booked if you take your shirt off on pitch (and for some weird reason I think this rule hasn´t been around for that long...), but he didn´t. He just expressed his opinion. That is against the rules now? Or it is againts the rules just because he is supporting the people in Gaza? Would he have gotten booked if he had had an Israel-supporting shirt? Why cannot people that are expected to give money to charity and support good causes and all that stuff not voice their political opinion? (And I´m not taking sides, I just wish Israel and Palestina would get some sort of peace before it´s too late.) It is okay to tell everyone on your shirt that you love God, but not tell you support innocent people? The rules should be clear on any personal statement, if politics isn´t allowed, then crossing yourself or "God this God that" statement shirts shouldn´t be either. I knew Kanoute would flash that shirt if he scored and I support him.

And my Dad. He is soon going to be laid off for weeks and they were thinking what to do with Mom. They were thinking of maybe getting a cabin from Lapland and going there and I was stupid enough to ask why no one has a cabin in the Alps or something like that. Mom of course had to ask if I´d go along with them. "As long as it´s out of the borders of Finland, then I can think about it." And then they go on about how nice Budapest or maybe Berlin would be. And since they were having some odd B-city discussion, I just had to ask why not Barcelona. "It´s a summer city. And besides, what´s with the Barcelona thing anyway?" Before I could answer Mom, Dad just had to say: "Football, of course, what else?" It was *this* close I didn´t scream at him. Never because of football. What do I have to do, get a t-shirt that says "I can like the style of their game, but I will never like FC Barcelona." And of course it was about Barca, I am willing to bet Dad has never heard of Espanyol. I would have answered the architechture, all the churches, how I´d love to see if Las Ramblas can be alive during the winter months, what the city looks like forom Montjuïc when it´s dark, how I´d love to explore all the different parts of the city. And I don´t even have a Barcelona-thing. If I could visit only one city in Spain it wouldn´t be the Catalan capital. It wouldn´t be any of the Basque cities either, but I´d just would like to know how he´d react when I say I really want to see Bilbao and San Sebastian before every single Finn has been to them. If I could visit just one city it would be the one that is somewhat impossible to reach from here, unless you fly to Madrid and sit hours in a bus or in a train. Or wait till spring when Finnair starts flying to Jerez, of all places. Little do my parents really know me.

Now, if you´ll excuse me, I´ll go read Wikipedia in languages that I have no knowledge of, because I want to prove something. Take care!

Listening to: Nine Inch Nails - Suck