Time To Pretend.

This will be somewhat bipolar post, but I kind of want to get the football stuff out of the way too. First of all. Arsenal, for fuck´s sake, a new deal with Walcott. We cannot afford losing him, and certainly not with a price tag of 400 000. Second. We are facing Cardiff at the FA Cup 4th round. Ramsey against his old team, how about that. Third. FA Cup 4th round also gives us Liverpool-Everton. I am with Toffees on this one, just because everyone loves the Reds. Fourth. Sevilla. How on Earth can you draw with the League jumbo Osasuna? Unbelievable, and not in a good way. Fifth. I miss Serie A.

***

And then. I had the worst night of my life last night. Or at least one of the worst. For starters, I didn´t go to bed until closer to 3 AM (before which I was in a conversation about the beautiful nature of football and somehow decided to support Boca Juniors...). And then I couldn´t sleep. I checked the clock at 4.20 and I seriously think it was something like 5 AM before I fell asleep. And before that... I am writing all the thoughts running through my head and they weren´t pretty. I just don´t know how many times during the last five months or so have I ended up crying myself to sleep, but this was one of the worst.

First of all. My Mum. Of course I love her and all that. I really wish she can keep her job until summer, because she´d like that and because if she doesn´t, I know I´ll flip. She has had this long Christmas/winter break and I am this close to jumping to the walls, just because she is home all the time. I need my four to five hours a day alone, or I´ll go insane. She also keeps bitching about things. Work, co-workers, which I´m not even remotely interested in. Lately, she has also picked a habit of badmouthing my sister-in-law. Nothing bad, but just pointing out little things she does not like about her. And I´m always the one that has to listen.

Dad. Oh. Not that I don´t love him too, but all the little things that irritate me. I won´t list them or I´ll sound like I can´t stand him, which isn´t true. It´s just that he needs me to do things I do not want to do and won´t agree on anything.

Friends. Or friends I used to have. "For a while they will work under the pretense of remaining friends. They will talk on instant messengers. When university starts they will email occasionally, because there isn't time for anything else. They will forget to tell each other the little things that make the day important, and they will forget to care about them, too. They will be reduced to short messages every few months. It will be "how are you" over and over again for the rest of the year, until nothing." (Taken from werepope´s fic Gitano.) This is what it is. One of my friends moved to north and I haven´t heard of her ever since. Not even a SMS, so I don´t have the faintest idea what she is doing or how she is. One of my friends moved to a city 20 minutes from here. I have had two very short instant messenger talks with her, in the style of how are you? - fine- you? - fine. One of my friends moved a another city over three years ago and that short paragraph tells you what happened. I see her maybe twice a year, but I don´t know what she does or what kind of life she lives. One of my friends still live here, but I can´t remember the last time I talked to her. I never have had many friends to begin with and when the few I have start becoming my ex-friends against my will...

And then this one friend that I am in contact more than I probably should sometimes. She is great, she really is. But then... I´m happy she knows what she wants to study, where to study, what to do in order to make that possible. I am flattered that she wants to share the information with me, but at the same time it hurts so much I can´t put it into words. I´m not the one comparing different areas where to live, not trying to learn how the public transport works or what courses would be nice to take. When she tells me these things, all ecxited about them, it just makes me feel like I am the huge loser I sometimes think I am. Not knowing what to do, what I want to be. I don´t say any of this to her because I don´t want to upset her, but I´d be better off without the information. It wouldn´t hurt so much.

I don´t know what I want to do. I should figure out a place where to study and actually get in. The aforementioned friend tries to encourage me, telling me what schools somewhere else have to offer and really, there is nothing I´d love more than to be actually able to apply to them. But I don´t have the money (and I know about the loans too, but explaining that to my parents...), I don´t have a single person writing me references (old school yes, but I don´t look back to it in that much awe) and if I even tried talking about it to my parents... I am still amazed I have been allowed to to roam concerts alone, because they wouldn´t let me travel to fucking Sweden alone. And I know, I´m a major and I can do whatever I want, but it would be nice to have someone support me. I do not want to burn all the bridges behind me. So I just settle with browsing the Finnish universities and other schools and being disappointed they don´t offer a single combination that would make me scream of joy and say that is what I want to study. I was reading HS this morning and there was a column about studies, about how a relative girl of the wirter doesn´t know what to do after high school and how she likes everything, but not enough to specialize. She described me. If I had been alone eating my breakfast I probably would have burst into tears.

I don´t know what to do. I guess there would be someone to help me with problems about studies, but who and where, I seriously don´t know. So I just keep it all to myself and out it when I cannot stand it anymore. Every morning I get up and put a smile on my face, eventhough I don´t know what´s the point of doing that. I feel like I´m trapped and can´t do anything about it. I think I haven´t been out since the night between 2008/2009, why would have I´ve been. I know my parents would love to help, but I know they don´t know how to do it right. So to them I just pretend I ´m fairly happy even if inside me there is the biggest mess I have ever faced.

I just do not know.

Listening to: INXS - Suicide Blonde