Let Me Down Gently.

I know that when I have a 100% better day than I am having today I´ll deeply regret ever writing this... I am not the kind of person that easily opens up and talks about things and I don´t do it now, because I don´t think there would be anyone I´d talk to face to face. So I´ll write as this still is supposed to be my personal journal and I need to get things of my chest. Really bad.

I have developed this very un-Finnish way of telling how I am. I mean, when someone asks how I´m doing I just answer fine instead of being a Finn and complaining about everything. To be honest I don´t know what I´d answer if someone really wanted to know what´s going on. I have no idea. I woke up today and was just laying in my bed trying to come up with reasons to get up. The only one was that if I didn´t get up, I´d have to explain that to my parents and I really didn´t feel like doing that. So I got up and drank my morning tea and tried to think of something to do. I did end up taking a walk and some photos, but I really think none of them are good enough to be posted here.

That is one of my problems at the moment. I think nothing is good enough. Fine, I think I´m not good enough. I have pretty much lost the little that was left of my self confidence. You have no idea how frustrated and anxious I get when I start thinking about next year, what school to apply to and how much reading the entrance exams take. If I´d start to think what would happen if I don´t get in to any school... Well, I don´t want to think about it. I can accept being rejected once, because I wasn´t even sure I was applying for a school I seriously wanted to be in, but if I have to go through that again... This can be topped with the fact that I haven´t much read those books I should have been reading because the first exam. It went to perfectly well that now I´m afraid I´ll just fuck the next one up big time.

And of course, I keep worrying about my parents. My mother, losing her jof of 25 years, being unemployed and not even knowing when her last day of work will be. And Dad, he was just today given a schedule of their possible lay-off. We are doing fine at the moment, but I am who I am and an´t help but worry eventhough I know it won´t do any good. And I know that if they both are at home in spring when I´m supposed to be studying, I know I´ll snap at them. And I hate myself for that. But I know that at some point they start to irritate me so much that I either keep it all to myself and build the pressure or shout at them, which is something I really don´t want to do. I need to space and time alone. But at the same time I need people.

I am sick of not seeing anyone, not hearing from anyone. I don´t know how my, I don´t know if the term still applies, friends are doing and I hate it that I can´t answer my Mom´s questions about how they are doing. I rarely meet anyone. I remember how sad I was feeling when I informed Emmi of one match that will be played next year and she pointed out it was a birthday of our friend, but that it probably didn´t matter anymore. It felt so bad. I have no idea what this friend has been doing lately. I am sick of being the one that tries to stay in contact with everyone, usually without response. The little cheers of my days are e-mails from John, because it means someone wants to know what I´ve been up to lately. And also, if I could, I´d give Emmi the biggest hug ever for putting up with me, more than it probably is healthy.

The only time today when I really felt happy when I sitting on the livingroom couch, doing my Spanish exercises. I felt that I had actually accomplished something even if I´m doing them mostly for myself.

I think I´m done with the opening up. Everyone who knows me even a little knows this is something I do not do. And like I said, on a bright day this is something I regret doing, but I needed this right now. I know this probably changes nothing, but it makes me feel better. And I really hope my shaky fingers have hit even most of the right buttons and this is readable. Don´t know if that´s a word, but not caring enough to check.

And after the angst something else.

So, Schuster finally got sacked. I am no Madridista, but I have been feeling sorry for the team. Actually, I blame reading Marca for having any kind of feelings for them. At least i´m not rooting for Barcelona... Anyway, I wasn´t even surprised when I saw it on TV, as even I know that as a coach you don´t go and say it´s not possible to beat Barcelona ("Ahora mismo no es posible ganar en el Camp Nou."). And when it comes to Spain, they are quick to try to fix things, unlike in England I´d say. I have very little to say about their new coach, Juande Ramos. I like Sevilla and understand he did hell of a good job there, but everyone remembers how magnificent the season start of Tottenham was. Not that I mind. I don´t know, but it feels like El Clasico just turned out to be a bit more interesting than everyone was expecting. Oh and I have to say, after the great German had said that quote, Raúl came and said something along the lines "Con esta camiseta se sale siempre a ganar.". Have to respect the man for loving his team. And if your Spanish isn´t as good as mine (believe me, mine isn´t that great), use translator or just guess. Good luck to Real Madrid, they´ll need it. Really.

Also, I am so sad. Arsenal.com told yesterday that Tomas Rosciky´s return is at March the earliest. So so sad. I miss him. I miss his style of play, I miss having someone great at the midfield. If he ever comes back this season it is still over a year after his injury. As much as I hate to say it, I think his career is at the end. Wouldn´t want it to be, but... Just hoping he´ll return in the glory of his best days. Until that, I´m a bit sad. A bit only, because Eduardo is coming back. It´s like Christmas. Oh, wait...

I don´t know if I have anything else to say today. I´ll post more when I am up to it.

IWFT